Family Violence is not an easy subject to discuss

The Today Centre often receives calls from concerned friends and family members asking how to best support someone they believe is being subjected to abuse. Although each circumstance is unique, below are some general guidelines on how to approach the topic of family violence in a caring and supportive way.

If you have any additional questions on how to support someone you know, please do not hesitate to contact us.

Isolating people from their support networks is a common tactic of abuse. Reaching out to your friend, colleague or family member can be as simple as sending someone a message letting them know that you are there if they need someone to talk to. Although they might not take you up on your offer, reaching out periodically to someone can make a huge difference.

For more tips on reaching out, visit:

• Real Talk

• Positive Responses to Family Violence

In hearing about an abusive relationship people often ask questions like, “why don’t they just leave?” Asking this question ignores the reality of family violence, in which there are often several barriers to leaving. It also places the responsibility of the violence on the person who has been abused. Speaking out against this myth (and others) may require you to educate yourself a bit about family violence dynamics, including the cycle of abuse, power and control, as well as coercive control.

Tell your friend, colleague or family member that the abuse is not their fault. Remember that leaving isn’t always the best or safest option due a variety of reasons and/or barriers. Some complicating factors to consider include timing, financial dependence, religious commitment or family duty, as well as safety concerns and fear of escalation due to threats and intimidation.

There are hundreds of survivors of family violence who have bravely shared their stories. Seek out these stories as these survivors are the experts of family violence. Additionally, it is important to show support to your friend, colleague or family member by listening to what they need from you; do not presume that they require advice. They are the experts of their own lives and have learned important strategies on how to keep themselves safe. To show that you care, listen empathetically, be non-judgmental, validate what they are feeling and experiencing, and tell them that you believe them.

At the end of the day, you may not understand or agree with a person’s choice to stay in an abusive relationship, but it is important to respect their choice. It often takes time to recognize a relationship as being abusive. Leaving an abusive relationship must be a personal decision and it is not a decision that you can make for someone else. Do not pressure them into anything they aren’t ready for as this can create more damage than good. Remind your friend, colleague or family member that you are there for them. Rather than making assumptions of what they need, ask them what their needs and priorities are, and how they would like to be supported. You can offer to be a part of their safety plan in case of an emergency for both them and their children. On the other hand, remember that if they turn down any offers for support, it is important to respect their decisions and simply remain available should they decide to reach out at a later time.

You are likely not an expert of family violence and this means there may come a point where supporting your friend, colleague or family member requires support beyond what you can provide. That is okay. This is what organizations like us are here for! It is okay to provide them with information about professional services, but remember that it should be their choice to connect with these supports. You are not responsible for the outcome. Keep in mind that supporting others can be emotionally draining, therefore be sure to take care of your own personal well-being along the way.