Keeping Safe Over the Holidays
When most of us think about the holidays, hopefully we imagine pleasant images. Yummy food, decorating the house with holiday memorabilia, memories with family and friends, thoughtful presents, and so on. However, for many people in Edmonton and around the world, pleasant images don’t tend to coincide with the holidays. The holidays for some is marred with fear, anxiety, dread, uncertainty, depression, and more due to an increase in family violence. Spending so much time with an abuser while services are often closed, supports are away travelling or busy visiting with others, weather may prevent temporary or permanent escape, or there is a fear of “ruining Christmas” for young ones, may all contribute to negative emotions surrounding the holidays for those experiencing family violence.
Resources for help over the holidays
Helplines
24/7 Help- Alberta online help chat:
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24/7 Abuse Helpline: 1-855-443-5722
Help is available in multiple languages
Kids Helpline: 1-800-387-KIDS (5437)
Help is available in multiple languages
Sexual Violence One Line: Call or text 1-866-403-8000
9 AM to 9 PM daily
Confidential support
24/7 Mental Health Helpline: 1-877-303-2642
Children’s Services Crisis: (780) 422-2001
Animal Protection
Pet safekeeping program offered through Alberta Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals available online here or call the animal protection line at 1-800-455-9003
Seniors abuse
Edmonton Seniors Abuse help Line: 780-454-8888
Protection for Persons in Care Reporting Line: 1-888-357-9339
Report the abuse of an adult receiving care or support services from publicly funded service providers such as hospitals, seniors' lodges, nursing homes, mental health facilities, shelters, group homes, addictions treatment centres and other supportive living settings.
Edmonton Seniors Protection Partnership: 780-477-2929
Shelters
Alberta Council of Women’s Shelters map & directory
24/7 Shelter Hotline to speak to someone at a shelter near you:1-866-331-3933
Emergency Shelters List online here
Edmonton Women’s Emergency Shelters:
WIN House: 780-479-0058
Lurana Shelter: 780-424-5875
Safety Planning for those experiencing family violence over the holidays
Although safety planning is a key part of keeping yourself safe at any given point in time, safety planning over the holidays may look a little different due to travelling or having more family and friends around. This is why it is important to consider what safety planning may look like for you over the holidays and what you can do ahead of time to keep yourself and your loved ones safe.
Know Your Supports
If you’re travelling out of town to an unfamiliar place, consider looking up ahead of time the available 24 hour supports in place where you are visiting. Don’t forget to clear your browsing history if you have done so.
You may also chose to re-evaluate your close personal supports at this time too. If you will be visiting with family or friends in a group or individually, consider those you feel comfortable keeping important items with, having a safe word in place with, or feel safe discussing any incidents that may occur with, and are close-by or accessible while you are visiting a different location.
Check on closures with given services/supports that you rely on and plan ahead for a back-up support.
Communicate
Discuss with family and friends the boundaries you have set in place for the holidays. If you are uncomfortable attending religious services, eating certain foods, or know triggers of your abuser, discuss these ahead of time with a trusted individual or your host and ask if they are able to respect those boundaries and support them. (ie. not serving alcohol at an event if you know alcohol is a trigger). Remember de-escalation techniques if aggression arises: avoid loud triggers, trust your gut, understand body language, and provide options for a way out. (ie. instead of saying no to them driving ask if they would prefer a cab, public transit, or an uber home). Create boundaries that grant safety and may provide compromise (ie. attending a service to keep the peace, suggesting shared activities with others, etc.). Remember to anticipate escalation and utilize de-escalation techniques.
Reconnect with supports still in place and ensure they are around or are accessible for you there. If they are away themselves, consider asking if there is a spare key or some other way of accessing stored items at their house while they are gone.
Volunteer to be the sober driver at parties where alcohol is present.
Accommodate The Season
Consider changing your safe word(s) with children, partners, or trusted individuals to holiday-related lingo so it is easier to use while in conversation. Be wary of overused or common phrases that someone may misinterpret.
Utilize the season as an opportunity for safety packing important documents or belongings. If you’re travelling, create an extra luggage piece for them or place them in your luggage directly. You may already need these important documents if you are travelling abroad or utilizing public transportation (ie. passport, birth certificate, driver’s license, etc.). If you need to buy Christmas presents and are away from the aggressor, consider making copies of documents while away. Or if travelling to visit, consider it as an opportunity to leave/receive help/reach out to supports if your aggressor already knows you’ve planned to be away or are in an expected travel time. Utilize visitations with others as a check-in or set-up with supports.
Have a go-bag as a part of your luggage when travelling.
Questions for Consideration
Are your supports available or accessible over the holidays?
What supports or services are near your place of visitation? Are any of them open 24 hours (ie. gas stations, convenience stores, etc.)?
Are you able to maintain the means of transportation? (ie. like volunteering to be the sober driver).
Identify who you trust when visiting. Is it someone who lives in the same city? Is it a family member or friend in your group?
De-Escalation Techniques
If it seems safe to do so, move to a private area.
Be empathetic and non-judgmental. Sarcastic or snarky comments may fuel big emotions.
Redirect challenging questions. Redirect attention to the issue or an activity and ignore the question (not the person) asked if you know it creates a power struggle when asked.
Carefully consider which boundaries or rules are negotiable and which are not. If you can provide options and flexibility, you may be able to avoid altercations.
How can you help someone experiencing family violence over the holidays?
If you suspect someone in your life is experiencing family violence and may be struggling this holiday season, remember that one of the first things you can do to support that individual is to be there for them. Provide a safe space for them where, if they feel comfortable, they are welcome to share their story when they are ready and they will be listened to with respect and without judgement.
Here are a few things you can do help someone experiencing family violence and make the holidays a little easier for them:
Know your own boundaries. Are you available 24/7 to help someone? Will you be around during the holidays for them?
Check-in with them by dropping off baking or presents. Cater to the season by popping by for a visitation and see how they are doing.
Check your capacity for helping them. If you’re away or plan to be gone, consider leaving a spare key or an entry code for access to your house. Are you willing or able to safe keep belongings at your house if they ask?
Set up secondary supports for them. If you are unable to be around or do not have the capacity, suggest or provide secondary services or supports they can go to and trust.
Create harm reduction by not supporting triggers of aggressors (ie. not serving alcohol, etc.), offer to be the sober driver, and know and understand safety words.
The holidays can be big triggers for abusers. Reconsider past holidays and previous behaviours. Did you notice anything tense? Abusive words? High stress or anxiety?
Encourage proactive activities for family violence prevention and understand de-escalation techniques to support the individual experiencing abuse.
Tips on Building Healthy Relationships Over the Holidays
Be Intentional
Make healthy relationships a priority and protect them. Schedule purposeful time together, without distractions like a phone or other people, to talk or do an activity you each enjoy doing.
Make Traditions
Break old traditions if they cause too much stress or argument. Create new traditions together that each of you agree on and enjoy doing.
Don’t Compare
It’s hard to resist comparing holiday parties, decorations, or gifts. Resist the urge to compare holiday experiences with others. Learn to appreciate the time you are spending with each other and take a moment to thoughtfully consider the effort and thought behind a gift.
Explore Newness
Try a new hobby, visit a new community, try our events you haven’t done before together. Find something each of you enjoy doing together equally.
Communicate
Discuss expectations for holiday plans, visiting important relatives, commitments to performances or parties, gifts, or spending prior to the holidays. When you speak honestly about your expectations or comfort surrounding the holidays before you get into the swing of things, you’ll begin to find genuine togetherness without feeling over worked or worn.
Learn to Say “No”
It may be scary but meet your own expectations together. Compromise on activities when needed and be honest with yours and others capacity. You don’t have to do everything (together).
You’re A Team
Plan together not apart! If dividing time amongst family, recognize each other’s needs. Don’t let in-laws, kids, or extended family pit you against each other or pull you in opposite directions that force you to take sides.
Join Together
Both of you may have different experiences surrounding the holidays and desire to do different things. Don’t hold rigorously to every expectation for the holidays, instead let your experiences come together to create new memories, traditions, or activities you all look back at and love.
Listen Intentionally
Listen to understand, not just respond. When you do that, you’ll find empathy and vulnerability with one another in genuinely listening to each other’s needs, desires, and wants.
Office closure
The Today Centre office will be closed from 2:00 PM December 23 to January 2, 2023.
If you or someone you know needs assistance while we’re away please call 211 or the family violence info line 310-1818 for help in 170 languages.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger please call 911.
Wishing you many hopeful blessings, joy, peace, and safety this holiday season.